Year’s End, Year’s Beginning

This is the day for looking back and moving forward, hoping for better things and dreading worse, fearing stagnancy with no way out. I am determined to  grow – on the inside, not around the middle – to defeat fear and dread, continue to hope for better and believe I can achieve.

Last year at this time I wrote against making resolutions as creating self-administered discouragement and failure. I ended with a list of things I wanted to achieve, denying they were resolutions. Yep, that’s me all over, looking up & down, in and out, future and past. This coming year I want to do the same things and add one more to enable me to move forward. I want to look at the pre

Many of us are making (or thinking about making) our lists of things we would like to do before it’s too late. Our own ‘bucket list’ of pleasurable wishes and productive desires. One is never too young to start, as we don’t know when our time is up. Some things take time to come to fruition. Plans have to be made, perhaps funds must be gathered,the needs of the family must be taken into consideration, and priorities must be established.

Many of the items on my list are future activities. However the present is where the preparation begins. My planning may get lost, and hence the thing I want to do, in the distraction of preparing for what I need to plan. Ack! For example, supposing I have actually written my bucket list, figured out which are future events and which are day to day – we are not discussing how long this part took – and am entering into the preparation for a trip to the ocean next month. First thing I need to do is book a hotel. So many websites, so little time!

Hold on a minute. I need a list of things I need to prepare. Um, find a steno pad to keep all the info in one place. Now where did I put them? I remember, the shelf in the music room. Ugh, what’s this pile of stuff on the shelf?  I’ll just sort this out real quick and find the steno pads. Oh, my, look at these pics from Labor Day last year! I need to message my daughter so she can scan them and post them to Facebook. (Time out for messaging, using the facilities, getting water, and lying down for a while to ease the pain in my back.)

Two hours later I wake up, get the stupid steno pad and begin to start my list.   Two days later the stinking  list is done, reservations are made and I have made a comprehensive list of necessities to begin tossing in the open suitcase in my room. Yep, everything from base paint (a.k.a. sunscreen) to underwear to Ziplock bags.

Unfortunately, I suffer a relapse from not only physical but also the mental stress. The days are lost in a haze of exhaustion. I sleep. The scheduled day of departure draws near and the fear of missing it is suffocating.

My circumstances may be extreme, yours may or may not be worse, but we all have our idiosyncrasies -idiocies? – to overcome or to work around. I’m discovering a partial solution in a resolution. I resolve to live today. I want to start my days with coffee and the company of my husband, followed by a short list of things I would like to try to do this day. I say try to do acknowledging the reality of my physical weakness and forgiving myself for it.

A short list? Today:  1) Go to  breakfast with grandchildren.  2) Call mom’s insurance company. 3) Write blog. 4) Have Nuker Nachos made by granddaughter for herself, mother, brother and me.  5) Have a glass of champagne and say…

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I will remember the past. I will look forward to the future. And, most importantly, I will live in the present. I’m doing well so far today, better than usual, and will expect to be unable to get out of bed tomorrow. But it is worth it to be with my loved and loving family and tomorrow will be ‘today’ soon enough.

😌

 

Humbuggery

Life happens.  Ready or not hear it comes.  This past year has been a doozy in the realm(s) of family dynamics, emotional stressors, and  physical and mental weaknesses. I’m not better than a year ago, or still the same. I’ve declined a bit.  And then, a few days before a great family weekend, I get sick.  Laryngitis presented as the first symptom, followed by days of chills and fever, disorientation and the blahs.

I hate the blahs. There they are, in my face. For ‘blahs’ they certainly are mobile.  No matter which way I turn my head, there they are, blocking my view of the good stuff, the fun stuff, the merry-go-round full of people laughing and having a great time together.  Humbug. I hate merry-go-rounds.

The great family weekend was a great family weekend. Twenty-two adults and children in a great house in a great area. I loved the noise of them playing and cooking together. I loved the quick wits. I loved when I got to go into a cool bedroom and sleep while twenty-one people went into town. I loved when they came back and watched a movie while I went back into that bedroom with two sleeping young ones. When  I was back at home I hit the bed and slept most of the next thirty-six hours.

Getting rested up has brought more of the events and activities back into my poor stuffy head, and will probably be a complete picture after Christmas, which I may have slept through… HUMBUG!

Enjoy the holidays. Take pictures. Good-night.

 

 

Standing in My Mind

Today I sit leaning back in the recliner
Dreaming of strength
Remembering better times
And seeing myself through the eyes of others.

In my mind I see me young and slim,
Independent, intelligent, indestructible.
Was I living in my mind even then?

Was it ever true? Was I shy,
Needy and broken?
Did I accomplish, did I grow,
Or did I hide inside of myself?

Ah, well, that is the past,
This is now and now is the time
I am standing strong and tall
In my mind.

Oh, I Remember Now

Well, it’s been over a week since I had my computer in my lap and ready to receive my wisdom and foolishness, poetry and prose, now and then. I wish I had my  mind  back, the one that is user friendly, not the one I’m often stuck with. I think I know what’s what and find what’s not. I think I can do something and rediscover that I can’t. 

I had a point I wanted to make. It’ll come back to me. I hope. Maybe before midnight. Meanwhile, I’ll just blather on bravely. If one stresses the thought/point can be squeezed out through the ears, never be recovered. Unless, of course, the thought has lowered itself quickly on a bungee cord in which case it may spring back and smack one upside the head. Sometimes twice.

That worked! What I remember now has to do with the first sentence I wrote. Here it is. When I am away from the computer for more than a day I find it daunting to get through the accumulation of emails. There are a lot of new posts on Facebook I will never see, and several that take time to read, like and add my nickel’s worth.  If it’s been too long I’m done in without even reaching the best part (I always save the best for last), the blogs, both mine and others. Did you know I can never tell you what I had for breakfast? Not just because I can’t remember for sure but also because I forget to have breakfast. How did I end up at the food table? Oh, cuz once again I forgot what I wanted to say.  Yikes!

So, a very big deal is going to happen very soon. My 86-year-old mother is moving from here to assisted living as soon as all the paperwork is done, give or take a few days. My husband and I with one dog and one inherited cat will need to find a new place to live in a hurry as we needed the money mom gave us monthly to help pay the extra rent for the extra bedroom. That whole monstrous reality also slips from my memory. The task of sorting and packing for two places will be exhausting. When it’s done, will I be able to blog again or will I have forgotten this site. Or will I be able to sit up for a few weeks? Time will tell.

Tell what?