Year’s End, Year’s Beginning

This is the day for looking back and moving forward, hoping for better things and dreading worse, fearing stagnancy with no way out. I am determined to  grow – on the inside, not around the middle – to defeat fear and dread, continue to hope for better and believe I can achieve.

Last year at this time I wrote against making resolutions as creating self-administered discouragement and failure. I ended with a list of things I wanted to achieve, denying they were resolutions. Yep, that’s me all over, looking up & down, in and out, future and past. This coming year I want to do the same things and add one more to enable me to move forward. I want to look at the pre

Many of us are making (or thinking about making) our lists of things we would like to do before it’s too late. Our own ‘bucket list’ of pleasurable wishes and productive desires. One is never too young to start, as we don’t know when our time is up. Some things take time to come to fruition. Plans have to be made, perhaps funds must be gathered,the needs of the family must be taken into consideration, and priorities must be established.

Many of the items on my list are future activities. However the present is where the preparation begins. My planning may get lost, and hence the thing I want to do, in the distraction of preparing for what I need to plan. Ack! For example, supposing I have actually written my bucket list, figured out which are future events and which are day to day – we are not discussing how long this part took – and am entering into the preparation for a trip to the ocean next month. First thing I need to do is book a hotel. So many websites, so little time!

Hold on a minute. I need a list of things I need to prepare. Um, find a steno pad to keep all the info in one place. Now where did I put them? I remember, the shelf in the music room. Ugh, what’s this pile of stuff on the shelf?  I’ll just sort this out real quick and find the steno pads. Oh, my, look at these pics from Labor Day last year! I need to message my daughter so she can scan them and post them to Facebook. (Time out for messaging, using the facilities, getting water, and lying down for a while to ease the pain in my back.)

Two hours later I wake up, get the stupid steno pad and begin to start my list.   Two days later the stinking  list is done, reservations are made and I have made a comprehensive list of necessities to begin tossing in the open suitcase in my room. Yep, everything from base paint (a.k.a. sunscreen) to underwear to Ziplock bags.

Unfortunately, I suffer a relapse from not only physical but also the mental stress. The days are lost in a haze of exhaustion. I sleep. The scheduled day of departure draws near and the fear of missing it is suffocating.

My circumstances may be extreme, yours may or may not be worse, but we all have our idiosyncrasies -idiocies? – to overcome or to work around. I’m discovering a partial solution in a resolution. I resolve to live today. I want to start my days with coffee and the company of my husband, followed by a short list of things I would like to try to do this day. I say try to do acknowledging the reality of my physical weakness and forgiving myself for it.

A short list? Today:  1) Go to  breakfast with grandchildren.  2) Call mom’s insurance company. 3) Write blog. 4) Have Nuker Nachos made by granddaughter for herself, mother, brother and me.  5) Have a glass of champagne and say…


I will remember the past. I will look forward to the future. And, most importantly, I will live in the present. I’m doing well so far today, better than usual, and will expect to be unable to get out of bed tomorrow. But it is worth it to be with my loved and loving family and tomorrow will be ‘today’ soon enough.