Happy Earth Birthday, Mom

Four score and twelve years ago you arrived on this planet. I didn’t know you then as I am your daughter, but up until three years and a couple of months ago I could say I’d known you my whole life. And even though you are no longer with us here, I still know you.

So many times I almost reach for the phone to call you with some funny or important news. Those last years here you rarely answered as you didn’t recognize the sound as coming from your phone. Or by the time you followed the cord around your neck it was too late. Eventually I would reach you and you would be sad because I hadn’t called you before. Yes, I did laugh at you, but not behind your back. Your son Corbin and I laughed at you to your face, and you laughed with us. Often I laughed at your quirks and foibles because I did some of them myself. As I reached my sixties I saw in myself more and more of you. Sometimes it was scary, and other times it was good.

Your daughter Nancy and I had a good time in Tombstone on Saturday. Twice we were asked if we were sisters. We never seemed to look anything alike when we were younger, but there must have been enough of both you and Dad in each of us to bring us here. I think Nancy got the prettier parts so I don’t mind at all. Of course I always say that she is much older than I am, but she, being a quick study, beat me to it the last time.

Your son Kurt has a lot going on in his life, still, and wasn’t available last time I was up there, but hope to see him in June. He is so slim now that I must admit to some envy.

Anyway, Mom, I love and miss you. I am so thankful for all the good memories that outweigh the hard ones. I am sure you are happy now, and I am planning on heading your way when I’m done here.

Happy Birthday, Mom

A Busy Year

I last posted quite a while ago, not for lack of interest but for a total lack of energy.  We did a lot in the last year, and though I enjoyed most of the activities and changes they took their toll on me.

We moved to Arizona last May and lived in our RV for several months.  Dave ended up in the hospital for an appendectomy but insisted I go on the scheduled cruise with some of our family without him.  I repacked his things and rearranged mine to make room for a lot of guilt, but he was definite about me going.  As news reached us at sea, I used up every bit of guilt as it turned out to be a ruptured appendix.  They changed up his antibiotics and his white cell count continued to rise.  At some point my dear daughter by marriage buttonholed the doctor and asked exactly how bad it was and should she get in touch with his family. The answers were bad and yes.  She tried to get in touch as did we with her, but communication was hit and miss. No floating cell towers I guess.

Meanwhile, out on the sea, we all worried and did our best to enjoy what the ship and the shore had to offer. It was fun in a lot of ways. I would love to cruise my way around the world if it was possible. And it would be a lot more fun if Dave was with me. There was a moment in time when I felt a horror drop on me like a weight. I fell face down on the bed calling out to God, “Don’t let him die!” I spent a few moments in tears, then in heaviness joined my children and grandchildren for another meal.

The news came that even though his white cell count was still very high he had made a turn for the better and might go home to rest and let the antibiotics work. He came home on a Saturday with a drain in for one of the abscesses and IV antibiotics which were administered by previously mentioned daughter, my hero. Heather had carried the load for me, and continued to do so after I finally returned from my not-really wild time in Alaska. Daughter Christel had spent time with him and flew back home as daughter Debby and I flew in. It was hard on the other family that they couldn’t be with him. Phooey, it was hard on the family that could be with him! To see him weak and puny was so very sad. He was the man who was hardly ever sick, who rarely missed more than a couple of days a year for illness. He was the one who did everything for everyone, and to see him in need of help was awful.

Every time I talked to him from the ship he just wanted to make sure we were having fun. “But are you having fun?” I did my best to have fun. Dave improved slowly but surely, the first drain came out and a second went in for another abscess, and eventually he was able to stop the antibiotics. The lovely visiting nurse stopped visiting, we were back in our own home and he was able to walk our dog so Abby came home, too. Dave was thoroughly disgusted with how long it took him to recover completely, and there are always other changes such a major physical trauma causes. They pop up here and there unexpectedly. Not often enough for me to get used to them so it’s always a surprise.

Pardon my improper grammar, spelling and incorrect wording. It’s too hard to have to go back and figure it out, so I am leaving it as is until a future date. I am done for the day. I hope to return more promptly than last time!

Too Long Gone

With or without my knowledge or permission things change.  It seems I have been on hold and life has happened all around me.  Today I find myself residing in an RV in Arizona with my husband and dog and loving it.  Who moves to Arizona from Washington in May?   I thought all these years I couldn’t take the heat and have found out it’s the humidity that gets to me.

There is so much more I could say.  Many events have occurred in the last couple of years worthy of remark and remembrance.  But I think I am starting at the shallow end to return to blogging.


Years come and go and so do one’s friends.                                                                                      Life has its chapters, its beginnings and ends.                                                                                Though I still love you we both have moved on.                                                                            I hope we will never be too long gone.

Unhappy New Year Part Three 

Last October my youngest daughter, Debby, was blind-sided by her adored husband saying he no longer wanted to be married. He loved her like a friend and saw no reason they could not be roommates. She, sobbing her heart out, saw no reason for him to stay and asked (told) him to leave immediately. 

After he eventually agreed to try to make things work, they went for counseling together and individually. He was back in the house and things were rocky, but leveling out. A few weeks ago there was a ” breakthrough” as the counselor put it. Everyone agreed. A few days later Deb’s husband stated, “I want a divorce!”

Another tragedy this year. When one of our family hurts, we all hurt. Please, no more. I need there to be no more. I need.

Unhappy New Year Part Two

In Part One I had written about my son and his family evacuating their home, my mother’s cat’s demise, and my mother’s death. Since then the house was red-tagged and now has been demolished leaving them “paying mortgage on a pile of rubble,” as one news report put it. Mom’s “celebration of life” was held February 5th, and life has continued if heavily. 

A week after my mother passed away I got word that a former pastor had an unexpected heart attack and died. The next evening my beautiful Christel, a teacher and a marathoner, was out for a run. She wears reflective tape and is cautious at intersections, especially since a friend was killed recently while running with a group. Approaching an intersection just a few blocks into her run, she checked to make sure no one was signaling or slowing to turn. As she ran into the street a driver abruptly made the turn, hitting her. The car kept going, leaving her lying on the street in the path of traffic. She couldn’t move and lay there screaming for help. A couple of people heard her and moved her out of the street. Someone called 911. My daughter was taken to the hospital where tests revealed the femoral head of her right leg had been completely broken off of the femur.

Christel had surgery the following morning. What the doctor called “pins” and I call “screws” were used to reattach the leg to its head. She was forbidden to walk with any weight on that leg, drive or return to work for six weeks. Currently she is able to put 25% of her weight on it and will be back to work soon. She is such a fighter, that one. As of today, March 21st, the }#%^*%{ driver has not been found. Apparently my daughter mistook the make and/or model while flying through the air.

A couple of days later a longtime friend, Alice, passed away from the cancer she had been fighting. Her children and mine had been in elementary school together, some as very close friends.  By this time I was numb much of the time. When I wasn’t numb it seems I was crying. No loud wailing sounds, just tears falling. I hardly knew why I was crying each time. The smallest things could set me off, and still do. Restaurants, especially Red Lobster, where we had eaten with mom. The new tennis shoes we had bought her not yet worn. News that had me reaching for the phone to share with mom. Cats that look like George. Facebook posts from others who are grieving, particularly Alice’s daughter. All which will fade a little in intensity, at least enough to let me breathe.

And, as a brief return to form, I say this.

At least I have politics to rile me up…

Talking Aloud in Silence

There is nobody here yet to hold and love,

Alone in this room I wait.              

For company who understands my hurt, 

Knows how to both love and hate.
We hurt for our losses and that for ourselves
We feel pain for each other’s grief.

We hold on to love we try to find hope

We hunger for peace and relief.
Alone in this silence I wait for return

Of the love and the hope and good dreams.

I know we’ll be happy together again

In a future as good as it seems.

In A  Night

Toss and turn too hot too cold 

Breathing drawn in, sorrows untold

Seeking solace, ease, peace, sleep. 

Dreams arrive at last, burning deep

Demanding the treasures be a sacrifice

On an alter crafted of man’s every vice.

In reaching for the clouds I begin to fly

Rising higher without will into a brilliant sky, 

Finding more like me in the clouds nearby.

Below are many sleepers seeking solace and peace

I whisper to them  and their fears they release.  

Ease and comfort I breathe into their sleep

As I drift back to earth I find that I weep

For joy in the freedom the dreaming has brought

And the comfort and solace bruised soul had sought.
Denise A. Carr    March, 2016

Unhappy New Year Part One

Before this year started we had plans for gathering at my younger son’s house on Christmas Eve morning, when all the grandchildren were available. We were looking forward to being there for the traditional breakfast and gift-opening for the children, a sort of greed fest as the horde (however many there are) opened their presents.  The expressions of their faces would light up a dark room, and I always cherish these things for days, or weeks, or however long I remember them.

But plans had to be changed. The Nisqually River decided to make use of the heavy rains to not only increase its depth but to also change its course. It began to chisel its way into their property, helped at times by the dam being opened. The house itself never flooded as it was high enough above the water level to be safe from flooding but as the river continued chewing away at the land it drew closer and closer to the house.  Initially the house was yellow-tagged by someone from the county. They were able to move their belongings from the house to the garage and a friend gave them a place to stay until some funding from FEMA came through and they were able to pay off their enormous mortgage and start fresh.

Their story was shared on three local television stations, and the FOX network picked it up  later when the house was red-tagged and it went national.  A stranger, I believe it was the man from the county, set up a GoFundMe page for them, response was good and so far they have been able to keep up the mortgage payments and meet their other  expenses. Johnny and Heather have the two cutest girls in the world. The 3 year-old and the dog are so distressed by the changes I cry for them. The one year-old is fine. She doesn’t care where she is as long as Mom is in the room.  Since this all started FEMA decided not to help in their county. I guess the loss of someone’s shed and one home weren’t important enough. (Other counties got help though. How is that right?) The insurance won’t help as they don’t cover erosion and its resulting future sinkholes. The Nisqually kept on moving and took nearly a hundred feet of the back yard and last seen was living straight down from the edge of the back porch.

One point I wanted to bring up here is the closeness of my adult children. Even if there have been “issues” between some of them at times, when the chips are down, they are all there for each other. My mother’s heart rejoices when I see the strength of their love and bond.  I have a brother who has also been there for all of us, too. Again, the love he gives us goes a long way toward helping us heal. The family was there when the house had to be cleared out, and again when the garage also had to be emptied. They were there when Johnny went to the hospital with a kidney stone, and later, when he finally had surgery to blast the sucker, they were there. They were there for the other things that happened in January. I need to continue this story for myself. I need to keep things sorted in my head, or have a record to which I can refer when confused about what happened when.  Even the children help. The grandchildren gave up their gifts so their parents could give the money to Johnny’s family.

Several days before the year ended the cat, George, ran out the door when my husband was bringing in the dog. George had been trying to go out partying with his buddies for a few days, so it wasn’t surprising when he seized the opportunity.  He had done this once before, and did come home several days later, none the worse for wear, much to my relief. The scoundrel is my mother’s cat who came to live with us when Mom did, about six years ago.  Last January my mother, who needed more help than what we could give her by then, moved into an assisted living facility and her cat stayed with us. She asked how he was doing every time I visited and many times when we talked on the phone, so I was a bit of a wreck while he was gone the first  go-round. The second time was easier because we knew he would come back, and harder because of the cold. The longer George was out, the more fearful I became, but finally, a week later, he was at the door scratching to come home.

He  was thinner, and nicer, and weak.  He walked a few feet or so, then lay down for a bit. We put it down to the consequences of his escapades and thought we would fatten him back up in no time. Not so. The next day he was in bad shape, lying on the bed and unable to get up. I brought him a bowl of water and he managed to put his chin in it and drink, then go back to sleep. Repeat. I was sure he was dying. I covered him and had a hand on him most of the evening. To my surprise he was up and moving around the next day! He still was sluggish, but moving well, if slowly. He still wasn’t having anything but water, though, and when he didn’t continue to improve we took him to the vet.

$ 857.47 later we were informed he was in kidney failure. There was only a bad outlook, so we said good-bye to George. Anyone who loves their pets knows how hard it is to lose them. I cried off and on for days.  My mother had fallen one time too many and fractured her kneecap so had spent 0ver two months in rehab and then was moved into the nursing home side until DSHS could have her assessed again to see if she was able to move back out into a group home or something else. On January 8, 2016, the day we had Mom’s cat put to sleep, I vowed to keep his demise a secret from her. The family was on the same page so the secret would be kept.

We believe the assessment was done the following week. We never heard from the caseworker. A few days later Mom called me in the morning. She was really sleepy so we had a short talk.  That afternoon the nurse called and said Mom was sick, had a fever and having some trouble breathing. I said we’d be there soon.  We went over and spent some time with her. She could barely talk, and wasn’t making any sense with what she did say. Finally she agreed that she wanted to sleep. I asked if she would like us to go and was unable to understand her answer. I asked if we should stay and she shook her head, so we left after telling Mom I would be back the next day.  The nurse said she was getting antibiotics and breathing treatments and would let me know if anything changed.

Several hours later the nurse called. She told me Miss Ruth (same mother) had been feeling a lot better and had even gone to the dining room for dinner. She came back to her room and got all settled in bed. Then my mom “took a turn” and was struggling to breathe. The nurse asked if I wanted to have them to continue to treat her there or have her moved to the hospital. I suggested she ask Miss Ruth about going to the hospital, knowing she would answer in the negative. As it was, Miss Ruth was in no condition to understand the question, much less answer. So we agreed she would call the doctor and see what he said. Then she called me back telling me they doctor ordered a very strong dose of a strong antibiotic and something else that has already fled my memory, and see how Mom was doing in the morning.

I packed my suitcase, ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Midnight came, marking the beginning of the 18th of January.  At 12:38 a.m. the nurse called again.  Miss Ruth, my mother, drew her last breath, leaving us behind to mourn our loss and then to celebrate her life.  She would have turned 89 years old in  March. She really didn’t want to wait that long. We cling to our belief that we will see her again.  Later.

But wait! There’s more to January.



(to be continued…)


New Year, New Plan

I don’t approve of New Year’s Resolutions.  Always reaching beyond our grasp we are nearly always doomed to failure. I hate failure. It encourages discouragement, self-loathing and a host of other dark emotions.

Me, I prefer lightness and joy, and sometimes find it in a world of my own creation where crabapples are sweet, thorns dulled and unicorns roam.  If I were to make a resolution for 2015  I would resolve to spend more time in that world.  Then I would have to think about doing it, acknowledge its unreality and therefore stay much less often, defeating the resolution and my positive outlook.

I like fairy tales, and long to live happily ever after.  Therefore I will take what steps I may to be a happier person.  I will communicate more with more and more friends.  I will tell someone I love them more often. I will throw a ball for the dog and pet the cat.

No, these are not resolutions.

Year’s End, Year’s Beginning

This is the day for looking back and moving forward, hoping for better things and dreading worse, fearing stagnancy with no way out. I am determined to  grow – on the inside, not around the middle – to defeat fear and dread, continue to hope for better and believe I can achieve.

Last year at this time I wrote against making resolutions as creating self-administered discouragement and failure. I ended with a list of things I wanted to achieve, denying they were resolutions. Yep, that’s me all over, looking up & down, in and out, future and past. This coming year I want to do the same things and add one more to enable me to move forward. I want to look at the pre

Many of us are making (or thinking about making) our lists of things we would like to do before it’s too late. Our own ‘bucket list’ of pleasurable wishes and productive desires. One is never too young to start, as we don’t know when our time is up. Some things take time to come to fruition. Plans have to be made, perhaps funds must be gathered,the needs of the family must be taken into consideration, and priorities must be established.

Many of the items on my list are future activities. However the present is where the preparation begins. My planning may get lost, and hence the thing I want to do, in the distraction of preparing for what I need to plan. Ack! For example, supposing I have actually written my bucket list, figured out which are future events and which are day to day – we are not discussing how long this part took – and am entering into the preparation for a trip to the ocean next month. First thing I need to do is book a hotel. So many websites, so little time!

Hold on a minute. I need a list of things I need to prepare. Um, find a steno pad to keep all the info in one place. Now where did I put them? I remember, the shelf in the music room. Ugh, what’s this pile of stuff on the shelf?  I’ll just sort this out real quick and find the steno pads. Oh, my, look at these pics from Labor Day last year! I need to message my daughter so she can scan them and post them to Facebook. (Time out for messaging, using the facilities, getting water, and lying down for a while to ease the pain in my back.)

Two hours later I wake up, get the stupid steno pad and begin to start my list.   Two days later the stinking  list is done, reservations are made and I have made a comprehensive list of necessities to begin tossing in the open suitcase in my room. Yep, everything from base paint (a.k.a. sunscreen) to underwear to Ziplock bags.

Unfortunately, I suffer a relapse from not only physical but also the mental stress. The days are lost in a haze of exhaustion. I sleep. The scheduled day of departure draws near and the fear of missing it is suffocating.

My circumstances may be extreme, yours may or may not be worse, but we all have our idiosyncrasies -idiocies? – to overcome or to work around. I’m discovering a partial solution in a resolution. I resolve to live today. I want to start my days with coffee and the company of my husband, followed by a short list of things I would like to try to do this day. I say try to do acknowledging the reality of my physical weakness and forgiving myself for it.

A short list? Today:  1) Go to  breakfast with grandchildren.  2) Call mom’s insurance company. 3) Write blog. 4) Have Nuker Nachos made by granddaughter for herself, mother, brother and me.  5) Have a glass of champagne and say…


I will remember the past. I will look forward to the future. And, most importantly, I will live in the present. I’m doing well so far today, better than usual, and will expect to be unable to get out of bed tomorrow. But it is worth it to be with my loved and loving family and tomorrow will be ‘today’ soon enough.